sTAND UP
The Cheese
The ceremony was about to begin…
He had thought about nothing else the whole wet cold afternoon, yes, Let’s Do some Cheese !!
Yes folks, to you people, yes! YOU PEOPLE ! Who do not suffer from allergies and intolerances, this may seem a bit elaborate, but to someone who hurts after eating such food, it can become an obsession.
It had been some 2 months since he had indulged, like some Methadone Junky, keeping not of his clean days, Dave “The Cheese” Montgomery, also kept a record….
But today, the sheer misery, of the winter gray, the busy cold streets, the slush under perilous foot, the never ending stream of traffic with their myriad of blinding lights, and endless trail of red lights, fighting with you on every crossing, plus splashing the large dank puddles over you , whilst you awaited your smelly cold draughty, uncomfortable as Fuck Trolley bus.
A day of being royally, fucked about, by Hotline arseholes at the bank, by Managers who all went to the same meetings at the same time, leaving branch after branch unmanned by the very persons the “Hotline pricks” had sent him to see.
Taking time off, and shuffling his clients about for this farce was also, taking its toll, on his general well being.
The banking wankers were “all at the same time”, on a customer services training session, which about summed up the actual customer service, anyone was going to get at any of the high street banks.
The final irony was that in order to get his self employment tax forms filled in, he had been seduced by the fact that this bank “Trumpeted” the fact that it had an online form filling service, that would stop him queuing with the great unwashed, at the statistics office, miles across town.
So here he was, very much on foot, and not online, trying to get these fuckers system to work,,
So after a day lost to clients, and given over to trying to make the governments life easier, and also assisting the hotline to fill in their day, he had accomplished “the square root of absolutely fuck all….. “
So after bouncing about the potholed, and way beyond repair roads of the great country’s capital, he was cold , tired, damp around the edges and sore on the hind quarters, trudging to the supermarket to load up for a debauched night of abandon… with his cheese and… bread!!
He was finally ready to start the Cheese n Bread Ceremony…
Fuck your Tea Ceremony, Fuck your junky getting his hit, and tying up various appendages of his anatomy, to end a vein, the only vein he was looking for , might be found in some Rockford perchance….. He was about to get his fix,,,,
The scene was set,
The Bread
The Butter
The Jam
The Knife
The Coffee
The large flat plate
The Table
So it begins
The sharpened bread knife delicately and accurately cut the bread, absolutely vertically, as if guided by some spirit… well spirit level at best…
A beautiful Italian style, hard crusted, moist inside, slightly nutty tasting small loaf, thus giving more crust per serving, all important..
The noise generated by the cutting motion, warmly enveloped his ears, and dripped into his brain, generating a small tsunami of endorphins.
The smell of the warm just baked bread, oozed out, and up his nostrils, giving this already excited endorphins, just another wave, breaking behind the wee tsunami.
The beautifully cut bread was laid upon the large white scrupulously clean porcelain plate.
Ah another breath… mmmmmm delicious…
The butter was room temperature, he had learned that butter doesn’t do “incremental” in the microwave, it stays hard, for 2 or 3 attempts, until it just goes over the cusp, and immediately dissolves into oil and fat and whatever else goes into it…
NOT the desired effect, nice cold, but spreadable butter is the required result.
Said butter was smoothly applied, with the keen eye of a plasterer, just perfectly.
Cheese, a nice mature cheddar, mated with a dirty Rockford, and a smelly old brie to finish, were applied in layers… quite a colourful layered effect, just high enough to be impressive.
But it had to be pushed, n squeezed into the salivating nay now drooling, mouth, so you couldn’t get completely carried away, on the height…
The Jam.
Many similar “cono sewers” of the cheese n sweet thing combo, adjudged syrup , or chocolate , to be the best…
He however stood behind the ancient and proven raspberry jam, combo, with the cheese, much enjoyed by brickies labourers and the like…
So the cold jam was applied, nothing worse than having the runny stuff, run down your arm, and make a mess of the whole ceremony, that wasn’t allowed to happen.
So nice brewed coffee was mugged, and ready, at the perfect temperature…
A nice bit of music was playing, say the Alabamah Shakes slower songs
It was time…
Please God, don’t make the retribution affect my poor body and brain tomorrow be too bad… it’s not like I am mainlining some acid and heroine devils concoction, it’s only bread n cheese for fucks sake…
Here we go…
First mouthfulllllllll
The Bread stood out, the crunch of the crust, the way that taste and texture, managed to fill the mouth, especially the space between the gums and the outside of the mouth, full of crushed and exploded bread, n crust…aahhhh.
Then the cheese made its presence felt on the tongue, from the front tip, to the very centre and onwards towards the back of the tongue,,
The sensations were different between that sharp cheddar, with its decisive hit, smack, on the tip of the tongue.
The smelly brie, enveloped the middle section, and seemed to get under the tongue, leaking out to the “old nappy” taste sensing sides of the mouth, then rapidly heading vertically up to the nasal passages, giving the ammonia burn, up in the back of the throat.
The Rockford of course was the Star of the show, leisurely wandering around the tongue, front back, round and round, as if saying, is the lighting right, where is my makeup, are you ready for me yet ????
Then it makes its appearance and bursts out, a deep, powerful taste, seemingly dazzling every part of the mouth all at once. A real star, drama queen, beautiful.
Now the next chew came, releasing the fused taste of the bread and butter, into the mix…
A seemingly simpler taste, but a good bread and butter, pairing, seldom lets anything get the better of it, and after all the upstaging of the previous initial outbursts, the bread and butter, were a class act, the smooth delicate cold butter, clinging on and around the crunching, then mouth filling doughy brown bread…….
Ah, he took a moment before chewing the next chew,,,, he knew this was going to hurt in the morning, but sod it, the swelling, bloating, flatulence, and worst of all the mind numbing migraine, would all be worth it,,,,??
Sod it, too late now, damage has been done, so let’s go nuts, and enjoy it…
He could feel all the sensations now mingling in his mouth,,, the rich barley flavour was in the roof of his mouth.
The Rockford was smouldering just below, with the cheddar, nipping at the tip of the tongue, and even slightly tingling his lips, where he had licked his lips.
Brie, was now taking up residence below the tongue, then seeping out and leaching upwards, relentlessly heading for another attack of the back of the throat and up to the sinuses, and out the nostrils…
Bread and butter simply oozed in and out of consciousness, seemingly of their own volition, a class act indeed, never ready to be overpowered by these “bloody” foreigners, and their vulgarities.
So a second chew was commenced, and even a swallow was considered, the mastication resulting in some serious drool that needed to be taken care of.
He was of course a swallower, and couldn’t hold back any longer, yes hare it came, once beautifully masticated juicy, swallowing of mashed up bread and butter, coated with that rich mix of multiple cheeses, ooooaaaarrr missus.
The chewing couldn’t stop now, he was toooo far gone, and before he knew it, it was all done, it was over, he had greedily and noisily, abandoned himself to “The Cheese” and he had finished, with a little lick of the lips finished by a dab of the fingers, to the same tingling lips…
The coffee beckoned, a little but of smooth cleansing sanity, after the mad blood lust of “The Cheese”
It went down, with that rich, deep throated, mellow smooth, coffee bean luxury, degreasing his cheesy orifice, aaahhh lovely…..
Now
Ready to do the same thing all over again,
Fuck the consequences…
